Hope for the End

Folks,

It's been one of those days. I have a friend living with me and I was telling him my story at lunch. In reflecting on my story, it made me depressed. What a pathetic human I really am! I am a relationship risk at every level. Even now, in telling him about me, I want to hide and isolate myself. Self-preservation is pushing me to run away.

The problem isn't him. He is a fine, exemplary, young man. It's me. It's hard to imagine that someone likes me when I can't seem to like, let alone, love me. I feel so isolated from the world and utter abandoned by God: I don't want to talk to him or sing to him, I just want to die, let judgment happen and then I get renewed to what I should be or annihilated forever. Either seems preferable today.

The accident was almost six years ago. She died and I lived, and I wish it were reversed. To wake up from an accident into a world that is different, though subtly so, is hard to explain. It's like trying to explain the difference between a home grown tomato and a hot house tomato; they are different and one is preferred, but qualify that difference. It's not so easy but the taste tells the tale. It's like the judge who can't tell you what pornography is but he knows it when he sees it.

So, I exist until accident or providence place me before the judgment seat.

The end is near;
the choice not clear;
let punishment be swift;
the annihilation soon;
the respite soothes;
no more to fight;
no battles to lose;
just rest;
just peace;
out of sight;
or at his feet;
the desire satisfied;
the worries gone;
The end complete.

They cry, they yell;
He can't be well;
To say such things;
Doth not bode well;
Yet on he goes;
Thoughts so extreme;
He can't be well;
For he blasphemes;
To make such things;
Both seem well;
Content in heaven;
Content in hell;
Complaints complete.

As he stands;
To give retort;
The well, as well;
Start to snort;
Not all have had;
Seas at peace;
Not all land;
is flat and fleet;
No all roads;
Paved and smooth;
Some have bumps;
Dead ends too;
Some just confuse.

And so I say;
On this day;
To those so well;
They know not hell;
Some do live;
Or so it seems;
In a hell;
Where nothing gleams;
They know not peace;
No comforts prevail;
Only Sisyphus;
And them in hell;
Uphill all the way.

And so I say;
Wear my shoes;
See the swells;
The ditches too;
As it's said;
If I should die;
Before I wake;
Or Rise anew;
As Dawn breaks;
Whether time should go;
Or time should cease;
Either way, Lord;
Give me Peace.

Avoid the vomit,

keith