It's that time again...

Folks,

It's that time again. I went to my endo last week and now I need to restart my low carb diet. For those so inclined, pray for me as I'll need it. Right now, life is stressful and so things will be bumpy.

Also, try some products from PhillySwirl. They make a great sugar free snack and their treats are gluten/nut free for those with such allergies. I found mine at Sam's but check their website. It's nice to support a small company that caters to the needs of their customers.

Hope for the End

Folks,

It's been one of those days. I have a friend living with me and I was telling him my story at lunch. In reflecting on my story, it made me depressed. What a pathetic human I really am! I am a relationship risk at every level. Even now, in telling him about me, I want to hide and isolate myself. Self-preservation is pushing me to run away.

The problem isn't him. He is a fine, exemplary, young man. It's me. It's hard to imagine that someone likes me when I can't seem to like, let alone, love me. I feel so isolated from the world and utter abandoned by God: I don't want to talk to him or sing to him, I just want to die, let judgment happen and then I get renewed to what I should be or annihilated forever. Either seems preferable today.

The accident was almost six years ago. She died and I lived, and I wish it were reversed. To wake up from an accident into a world that is different, though subtly so, is hard to explain. It's like trying to explain the difference between a home grown tomato and a hot house tomato; they are different and one is preferred, but qualify that difference. It's not so easy but the taste tells the tale. It's like the judge who can't tell you what pornography is but he knows it when he sees it.

So, I exist until accident or providence place me before the judgment seat.

The end is near;
the choice not clear;
let punishment be swift;
the annihilation soon;
the respite soothes;
no more to fight;
no battles to lose;
just rest;
just peace;
out of sight;
or at his feet;
the desire satisfied;
the worries gone;
The end complete.

They cry, they yell;
He can't be well;
To say such things;
Doth not bode well;
Yet on he goes;
Thoughts so extreme;
He can't be well;
For he blasphemes;
To make such things;
Both seem well;
Content in heaven;
Content in hell;
Complaints complete.

As he stands;
To give retort;
The well, as well;
Start to snort;
Not all have had;
Seas at peace;
Not all land;
is flat and fleet;
No all roads;
Paved and smooth;
Some have bumps;
Dead ends too;
Some just confuse.

And so I say;
On this day;
To those so well;
They know not hell;
Some do live;
Or so it seems;
In a hell;
Where nothing gleams;
They know not peace;
No comforts prevail;
Only Sisyphus;
And them in hell;
Uphill all the way.

And so I say;
Wear my shoes;
See the swells;
The ditches too;
As it's said;
If I should die;
Before I wake;
Or Rise anew;
As Dawn breaks;
Whether time should go;
Or time should cease;
Either way, Lord;
Give me Peace.

Avoid the vomit,

keith

"The World is too much with us"

 The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers,
Little we see in Nature that is ours,
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
The Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

This poem has intrigued me for years as I comtemplated what Wordsworth meant. In the midst of the prosperity, the appreciation and love for nature is lost. This disconnect with nature has brought disconnect with God. Wordsworth yearns to be brought up in some ancient,pagan religion which is so connected to nature that they have created mythologies to explain the cycles of nature, rather than ignore them.

We even see this in our own culture. Picturesque landscapes are destroy for the latest shopping craze, or the most elite living quarters are built on luscious vistas. Our getting and spend, a drive to be at the top, has removed from our sight the simple, beautiful landscape that our Creator provided for us. To see nature requires a drive to a park or a protect forest. Life is much too busy.

This even infiltrates the church. The world is too much with us. They very thing we are called by our Savior to do is the very thing we least do. If you asked someone what the purpose of the church was, I'm afraid the answers would vastly miss the mark. Yet, if we asked what program or programs were the best, the answers would be immediate, varied and sharply defended.

We don't know the purpose of the church but know the type of catering we like. It's the getting and spending, the consumerism of the church that lays waste it power. We are not so much there for giving as we are for getting: the reason for all the programs is people want to be catered to rather than commissioned.

The purpose of the church is this: "Jesus came to them and said, 'All power in heaven and on earth is given unto me. After having gone into the world, make disciples, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit: continuing to teach them to obey whatsoever I have commanded you: and lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of this age.'" (my translation)

This is our commission, our marching orders, our calling, our purpose. We are to make disciples! Yet, when was the last time a church took this seriously. Churches have all kinds of programs for all kinds of people but there is no intentionality in creating both disciples and disciplers. Most would agree that's why they pay staff: staff can do the dirty work. Our churches now reflect this consumeristic ideal: church must provide me what I want or I'll find one that will, and they will -- it's the easy way.

It is easier to provide instant programs than to walk the long, difficult path of discipleship. It's the path that Jesus walked with his disciples and it led him to a cross. It's the path we're called to walk. It can't be completed in an hour or a day or a week or a month or even a year: the process begins with a new birth ends with our death and requires our lifelong adherence.

We have given away our hearts, a sordid boon! For this, for everything, we are out of tune -- with God. It is time to reclaim our power and return to our first love. It is time to be disciple, to be salt and light in a rapidly decaying world.

As E.M. Bounds says, "The church wants better methods, God wants better men."

Avoid the vomit,

keith

Untitleable feelings

Folks,

I encourage you to go to this site and watch this video (click on the title above.) It was quite moving for me. I don't know how you name the feeling and the collateral damage that comes from an accident involving a drunk driver. I still can't and the name is expressive of that confoundedness.

Avoid the vomit,

keith

I did it...

Folks,

It has finally come to this and I had to do it. Over the last week, my blood glucose (BG, blood sugar) went above 500 (mg/dl) and I couldn't get it down. I went to the hospital Sunday night and with four bags of fluid and 30 units of insulin, they got it down to 235.

So, on Monday, I sent the lab results to my endo in Dallas and today I gave myself my first injection of insulin using a Novolog Mix 70/30 FlexPen. I went to the health center on campus and the showed me how to use it (actually, they had never seen one, so I told them how to use it and they showed me where to injection.)

Then, the wuss in me kicked in. I HATE NEEDLES. If you missed that, I HATE NEEDLES. Even though I have to check my BG, that is spring loaded and I can accidentally set it off. But this, I had to inject myself. The nurse was really there to encourage me. Here was our conversation:

Nurse: Just pinch your fat and jab it in
Me: I hate needles and its going to hurt
Nurse: Just push it in fast like a dart
Me: It's going to hurt isn't it?
Nurse: Just a little
Me: I heard that lie before. It's going to hurt isn't it?
Nurse: You have to do this yourself
Me: Can I have your cell phone number and you could just do it for me all the time?
Nurse: I can make it hurt worse
Me: I know how you nurses are
Nurse: just pinch your fat like this (she demonstrates)
Me: like this (wasting time)
Nurse: Just like that
Me: It's going to hurt, isn't it
Nurse: Just jab yourself real quick
Me: (I jab myself and it doesn't hurt) That didn't hurt. I didn't even feel it.
Nurse: Push the button so that the insulin goes in


And that was that.

Unbelievable

It's that time year: March Madness. What a tournament it's been so far. I was pulling for Texas Tech last night but West Virginia proved to be the better team. But, what an unbelievable job that Bobby Knight has done. Or, what an unbelievable team that the 'eers have -- I would have never guessed they were that good. It's been an unbelievable tournament.

Gonzaga, the recent Cinderella of the tourney, was a 3 seed and was knocked off by another team attempting its own fairy tale year. Just last night, Louisville beat the 1 seed Washington in a game proving that Rick Pitino knows basketball. Who knows who will end up in the biggest dance (I think a coach named Rick might be there?)

For Christians, it's an unbelievable time of year. It's this time of year that we celebrate an event that is truly deserving of the term "unbelievable." The infinite, transcendent God became flesh in order to demonstrate his love for his creation and to find his lost sheep. At Easter, we remember that unbelievable of unbelievable events: the very people that God created and had been in relationship with for thousands of year did the unbelievable, they killed him.

Calling his people to be love just didn't fit the mold that the Jews had fashioned for their messiah: they want a lot more Maccabees and a lot less Jesus. They wanted to overthrow the Romans and be the power brokers of the ancient world. The Holy of Holies was not the only box for God to inhabit.

---

Final Four basketball is not really that unbelievable. We all recite, "Any given team can be beaten on any given night." We know the realities and the frailties of humanity. The one who was all-powerful, the one who ruled supremely became frail; so frail that his own creation could crucify him. How unbelievable, that the creator of the Universe who offer himself up to his creation to do with as they pleased. And, we wonder how they did it.

If that same God became incarnate today, what would he do with us and what would we do with him? I think Jesus would question our way of life in such a way that he would become first, an annoyance, then a pest, and then, the focus of our wrath and anger. He would question our busyness, our lavishness, our irresponsibility, our lack of stewardship and inability to love each other. He would question our support of war and our laziness in praying for God to intercede (how many churches prayed for Iraq before the war? How many pray for our soldiers/sailors/marines?) He would question our accommodations to culture and making the church a monastery rather than a lighthouse.

He would look at the way we treat each other in church and in other places that carry the Christian name (I work at a Christian College and I would say that the non-administrative employees and faculty are treated the same way my paper shredder treats paper.) We don't really love each other, and at church we are merely checking our time cards and racing out as quickly as possible. We are against abortion but not actively adopting children (in the Roman empire, female babies were a blight and so they would be taken and placed in an area that made them vulnerable to animals, the elements and charlatans, Christians began to frequent those places and raise the children as their own.)

He would look at the money we spend on real estate which doesn't last while neglecting people who do last, and I think one word would pop into his head: unbelievable.

--

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." Brennan Manning


A friend reminded me that this is at the beginning of the dc talk song, "What if I Stumble." It dovetails with this idea of being unbelievable.

--

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult, and left untried." G.K. Chesterton

Church tends to keep us so busy that we don't have time to be and do the one thing required: to first be disciples, then create disciples. It is hard work because it can't be done with 10% of ourselves. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die." The problem is that we don't want to die to our own will: that will wants to control us. It is easier to go through the motions. It is easier to show up two hours a week than fight a will that refuses to yield to God. As God says, "...they worship me with their mouths but their hearts and minds are far from me."

An army of one

The army has commercials that describe each recruit as an army of one. Supposing you are so well trained that you can operate virtually unsupported. It reflects the American ideal of being your own person and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. How debilitating this view becomes to the church.

The power of the church is Christ empowering the body to support each other. Rarely do we find this situation in church. We strive for bigger buildings with higher attendance and more programs to keep the flock occupied. How can we support each other when we don't know each others? In a worship service of 500 people I can't possible have that many connections to the people around and yet, we call that community.

We need to return to the power of the church. When we are small enough that we really can know each other and be intimately involved then we can begin to exercise the power. Being a small group allows a community to bring people into an environment that can nuture them into spiritual maturity. These communities are ones that emphasize discipleship.

The model for discipleship is Jesus. Jesus choose twelve to disciple and even he lost one. If Jesus found that twelve was the optimal size group for him to disciple, how can we suppose to do 100's or 1000's? Discipleship is not about numbers, it is about creating individuals who are firmly grounded spiritually, theologically, emotionally and physically. It is creating a whole person who is growing in knowledge theologically and spiritually and who can take what they have learned and duplicate it in their own lives and disciple another.

And so, we create an army of one that is being discipled while they are discipling. An army of one that is prepared and supported by the body which takes it fight out into the world demonstrating its power.

The church is desperately in need of disciplers. We have plenty of programs that entertain but rarely prepare Christians to be in that army. We need to quit wasting our money on buildings and programs and spend it on the only thing that really matters: people. In the end will it matter what programs we had or real estate we own? No. Only people will be left for the judgment and then we will be judged for our stewardship. Will we be rewarded for the buildings we build or the people we disciple. Matthew 25 gives a great picture of what judgment will be concerned with.

Are we creating a vibrant army that takes it's battle out into the world or are we creating a monastery in which we can hide from the world and be comfortable and entertained? The commander is calling....

Time for Some humor

I thought this was great:

Viagra Ingredients:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch &Super Glue
87% Fix-A-Flat


Also, check out Patches the Horse. For those who say we dog owners go overboard, the evidence speaks for itself.

Check out these cartoons:

Igloo Contractors

Stray Bar

Have a good laugh and avoid the vomit.....

Tex...We hardly knew ya'

I adopted Tex labor Day weekend 2001. He passed over the rainbow bridge on December 4, 2004 at 3:30 am. He was a great dog and I miss him greatly.

Here is Tex's Christmas pic:


Tex was severely abused as a puppy. When I adopted him he would hunch down and pee if I approached him. It took 1.5 years to really get him to socialize with people and other dogs.

Tex loved to chase tennis balls and would chase as long as you threw. When we would go to friends' to play, he would chase tennis balls and periodically stop and jump in a watering trough filled with water. In the picture you can see Cody is also wet. Cody would jump in and then dive under the water: we call him The Sub Commander.



Tex had bilateral hip dysplasia, and so getting up and down was painful but he was always ready to jump up and lay his head on your lap to be petted. If you know much about rescue dogs, you know that they love to be loved.

When I got home from work, Tex was lying right outside the doggy door and he couldn't move. He did wag his tail when he saw me. It was 1 A.M., and so I called a very good friend and he helped me carry Tex on a sleeping bag to my Excursion. By the time we unloaded him at the Emergency Vet Clinic, he was on his way out. I was so sick. I loved him so much and I was going to lose him; he was the second dog I ever owned and the first to die. I still miss him. I have his ashes still sitting on the kitchen table; there is some comfort in knowing he is home.

I can't wait to get to heaven and see Tex again, this time running without pain and chasing all the tennis balls he want. After our reunion, we'll cross the bridge together to be with our Creator.

The Accident...

It happens in an instant and things are never the same. You never really know what is different, but something is. Others notice it but you never do. My boss, my friends, my coworkers all knew there was something wrong but nobody said anything. You struggle to be "normal" yet you war against yourself.

It was October 5, 1999. I was driving south bound on Ambler in Abilene, TX and had just passed the Pizza Hut and was heading toward Westlake Road/FM 600. The next thing I know I was waking up from losing a battle with the truck ceiling and an airbag. We were both taken to the hospital; I was in much better shape than her. She had missed the stop sign on Westlake Road and when she realized it she locked up her brakes. I hit her broadside on the driver's door. I was in a 1997 Ford F150 4x4. She appeared to be seizuring out.

At the hospital we were in adjoining trauma rooms and they didn't close the door. I laid on the table with the most uncomfortable neck brace on and listened to the repeated codes as they worked on her. I was all alone and in tears; they finally closed the doors. It doesn't matter whether it is your fault or not when you kill someone. As people showed up and try to convince me of this it only made matters worse. My friend Bert came and just simply held my hand and let me cry; there really nothing to say, I just wanted someone to be there with me, someone to make the pain and the horror go away.

For three to four months after the accident I couldn't sleep. Every night brought nightmares and every morning as I awoke I could smell the odor of a deployed airbag: I woke up believing that I was still in my truck. I was taking sleeping pills which provided sleep but left me in a haze for most of the day.

My face was badly damaged. When people would see it they knew that I lost the fight. When Dr. Osburn (I was talking Gospels seminar at the time) saw my face he was taken aback. Along with my face, most of the cartilage in my right knee was destroy and my medial meniscus torn in two when the dash was pushed back into my right leg. I have had one knee surgery to deal with some of the pain but will eventually required knee replacement.

From October until February, doctors and rehab specialist were trying to convince me that there was nothing wrong with my knee. I found an orthopaedic surgeon who said otherwise. I had surgery March 23, 2000 to remove the meniscus and clean up the cartilage debris. During this time I was also arguing with her insurance company (which by the way was also mine.) They refused to pay any of my medical bills so I retained an attorney. Once the doctor receive a letter from the attorney, he dropped me like a hot potato, accusing me of faking pain for the money. He wrote a nasty letter to my attorney basically saying that once the trial was over my knee would get better. Again, the stress continued to grow.

Over the summer of 2000, I began to take pain medication for my knee. I liked the medication way too much and used it as a mood enhancer; i was addicted. The rest of 2000 and the most 2001 are a blur. I was struggling to deal with the death of a woman, the addiction to pain medication and continued pain in my knee that keep me from exercising. In July of 2001 I became sick and really couldn't kick it. At the end of November I went to my doctor and he ran blood test. On December 7, 2001, one day before my 37th birthday, I was diagnosed as type-2 non-insulin dependent diabetes mellitus (NIDDM). Another blow to self.

The simple things...

Do you remember the first prayer you memorized? Most likely it was the Lord's Prayer. It's like riding a bike -- you never forget it. Think of all the ocassions when we recite it as a group for this very reason.

It reminds me of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the procedure for flying. It was quite simple: miss the ground. That seems simple enough, but try it. Gravity has a way of screwing that up. It sounds simple but its not and that what the Lord's Prayer is.

Simple? Yes! Easily memorized? Yes! Easy to apply? Not a chance! What screws me up most are those two little lines: "...forgive our debts/trangressions/sins/stupidity/ignorance, as we forgive our debts/trangressors/sinners/stupid/ignorant...." Not quite so easy for me.

Its like accumulating the forgiveness I undeservedly get and not wanting to pay my forgiveness bill. I want to get, I don't want to give. Truthfully, I don't want to forgive, I was to be judge, jury and executioner. I am one vindictive son of a bitch. The problem is that I should fear this situation but I don't.

Realizing how much forgiveness I need to spend ought to put me on my knees -- it doesn't. Being on my knees assumes that I realize that I'm not the king, but I don't. I am king of my world and I don't want to abdicate. Abdicating requires me to admit that I have f***ed up the world that I have ruled. Look at the disasters: financial, social, sexual, professional, educational. Maintaining my kingdom has required me to lie, cheat, steal and selfishly seek my own survival over everything else. I can treat others however I want as long as I maintain self. I make narcissist look like mere amateurs.

If I start forgiving people, what happens to my kingdom? I have all the citizens there that I punish: the one who insulted my; the one who abused me; the one who didn't do it my way; the one who embarrassed, etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. Before you know it, one is two, then four: a sizeable kingdom. And, I get to manage everyone of them. They are my captive subjects. I will not forgive them because to forgive them loosens my grip on my kingdom and that shows the cracks in my world. Reality is ever ready to squeeze through those crevices and force me to confront him. I escape by turning back to fantasy and the internet is ready to serve me. I don't really need the internet or TV because my kingdom is full of images that I can readily bring to mind.

I refuse to forgive! I am the victim! Look what all those nasty people have done to me!!! I don't deserve this. I sin however I want because I deserve it. Don't want to give me my way? Welcome to my kingdom. You have victimized me and you will pay. I ascend my throne and condemn you. You will leave but I will replay this over and over. I will invent fantasies in which you are sexually humiliated because I was. This movie plays over and over.

Then reality sets in and I realize that I am not king of kingdom but a prisoner in a dark pit who has the key to the door but refuses to leave. How can I leave all my friends in this pit, all alone? I have created my own prison and when things don't go my way I run back and hide.

The most corrosive substance in the universe is unforgiveness. I want my sins forgiven but I'm not willing to forgive anyone else's missteps. I go through the parking lot at work and complain about the idiots who can't park but I don't want the same standard applied to me. What a self-righteous asshole. Can't imagine why anybody wants to hangout with me!?!?!

There is a story about a guy who overextended himself. They day of reckoning comes and he pleads for more time, a lower interest rate, maybe even a discount. There's not much of a chance, but he tries anyway. He can't believe what he is hearing: the debt is written off. What? Did he say, "Forgiven?" He did!!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thank you!!! On his way out of the bank, he starts laughing. What a idiot. He was easy to manipulate. The ol' charm works again. He starts to think about what excuse he'll use next time -- it's a given to work. Then he sees one of his friends. That cheapskate owes me $2.50 from Taco Bueno the other night. He'll rue the day he ever borrowed money from me.

When I bought my first dog Cody (that's his pic,) I took him to training and we used choke collars. I was easily frustrated and Cody took more than his fair share of abuse from the collar. Yet, Cody never held it against me. When I walk into the house he runs to me and licks me and wants me to pet him. What a great dog. He never thinks about all the yanks and the threats and the frustration, he only wants to be close to me because he loves me.

Father,

I am almost done with my MDiv but my dog is more a reflection of forgiveness than I am. Help me to love people like he does. Help me to forgive others like he forgives me. You say that it is the simple things that confound the wise: I'm confounded.

It's not a fair world but I want it to be and in wanting it to be, I have paralyzed myself. I can't be your ambassador because I want to rule my world and exact the justice that I want. Help me to forgive, to allow you to exact what justice is necessary. But, I ask that you'll be merciful to them like you are to me.

A prophet from long ago said, "He has shown thee, Oh man, what is good and what the Lord requires of me. But to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Help me to be this kind of man. Help me to understand things that are so simple that even a dog can understand them.

Keep me from my vomit,

Why the name?

Well, if you're familiar with proverbs (26:11) you know the rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say, "...so a sinner to his sin." That's me. I try to turn away but it seems that I always end up back in the swamp with all the other sinners.

Paul was right when he said that what he wanted to do he couldn't, and what he didn't want to do he did. O, Woe is me!

I have in the past and am currently going through tough situations and I want to explore, out loud, in this blog the repeated times that I am just like that dog.

You'll notice the picture is of a dog. This is my golden retriever Cody. He is a sweet dog, but when he vomits he goes right back. How apropos.

Howdy

Folks,

This is my first attempt at blogging so give me some leeway. I have lots to say and I pray that some of it is worth reading and throught-provoking.